Things on my heart

Lately, I have been struggling with a few issues in my life. I am about to get real here on this blog, because I think I only have like 3 people who actually read it anyway, and I want to encourage anyone who might be struggling with some of the same issues.

I have had some problems with my hormones and female system since I was a teenager. I was put on birth control at a young age to regulate my cycles. I stayed on birth control until April of 2009, when I figured out that it was making my blood pressure skyrocket. I also hated the other side effects, like the moodiness, weight gain, and energy zap. As you can probably figure out, I got pregnant almost immediately off birth control with my sweet babylove. Fast forward a year or so. I had a great delivery and everything was going smoothly. However, as time went on, I suddenly had a six-month-old but had not a cycle since he was born. I wasn't breast feeding. Your body is designed to clean itself out every month or so, and when you go so long without doing so, it can cause problems with fertility at the least, and can lead to tumor growth at the worst. I visited with my gynecologist and he put me on birth control for a 2-month trial. I hated every moment of it. Following the 2 month trial of birth control, I went 3 months without a cycle again. In January, my doctor decided to put me on Prometrium for 10 days. Craziness in a pill, that's what it is. So, I did the 10 day trial of Prometrium, had a cycle, and now here we are, February.

This whole hormone thing has been such a struggle for me for most of my life. I want (I hope, I pray) for my body to work as it was created to work. I want for my husband to have a stable wife whose hormones do not dictate her mood. I want to know that when God is ready for us to have another child, that it will happen easily. I want to have more babies. I want to have a whole brood of babies. Will I be able to get pregnant? When should we start trying to get pregnant again? How long can this go on without me losing my mind? If we did get pregnant, how would we pay for things because I don't think I could do my current job and be bigtime pregnant? Getting pregnant would only be a short-term solution, as I don't see this changing even after another child (or two or three). What's the long term solution? At what point do I consider more drastic options?

I am a control freak standing in the face of the unknown. For the past several weeks, I have stayed up at night thinking/tossing/turning/crying/praying about it.

A couple of nights ago, in the middle of the night, I was lying awake and just pleading with God to make His will known to me. And I felt Him whisper to me, "Stop." Stop worrying. Stop trying to control this situation. Stop thinking about it. He began speaking to my heart words of peace and security in my situation. He reminded me of His faithfulness in little ways, and big ways. The next morning, as I was driving at 5 a.m. in the dark to work with my babylove in the backseat, I heard Him in my car with me, saying, "trust Me."

Trust Him. Trust Him. It is SO hard for me to lay my situations down at His feet and trust Him.

I don't know why. He has been so faithful to us in the past year. He has been so faithful to me over my entire life. So why is it difficult to trust the One Who holds my future?

So that's who I am right now. A mommy who is struggling to trust God with the future of her family. A woman standing on His promises of health, healing, and hope for her life. A child of God sitting at the foot of the cross with a burden much bigger than I can bear alone.

But I will lay that burden right there at the cross, and I will trust the Lord with all my heart. I will lean not on my own understanding, but will acknowledge His sovereign wisdom and plan.

Then Job replied to the LORD:

“I know that you can do all things;

no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

- Job 42:1-2