Support

I know it's been a while since I've blogged. Life gets hectic and something's gotta give.

I'm back on fertility meds. This is my second round since I miscarried in March. It just feels like, same song second verse, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. I'm cranky and moody and will probably bite your head off. I'm sorry, I really am.

Some days I am a rock-star: I get up, read my Bible, do my household chores, play with Jackson, cook an incredible dinner, and squeeze in a workout. Some days, I'm still in my pajamas when Tyler comes home and I've been crying all day.

My husband, though - what a strong support he is for me. He graciously and calmly placates and soothes me when my hormones win the temper battle. He holds me when I cry (which can be over the Olympics or a Hallmark commercial). He never judges me, never takes a sharp tone with me, and never stops believing with me. He is my partner in this struggle, and I am so thankful that God has given him to me as a help mate and friend. Our journey may not be turning out how either of us imagined it, but he never acts disappointed or upset - he just goes with the flow and accepts what God has for us. He is certainly not perfect, and neither is our marriage, but it is far better because of his patient spirit with me. I am blessed beyond measure to get to love and serve with him.

Ode to the mommas

I work two days a week, and stay home the rest of the week. I always get questions about what exactly I do the rest of the week, as if there's not enough to do to fill up my entire day. I get lots of jabs and "must be SO hard to only work 2 days a week"s. Today I got cancelled at work. Here's what's gone down so far:

I got up at 6 with Tyler, made a pot of coffee, ironed some clothes for him to wear, and made him lunch. I spent a few minutes alone with the Lord, drank some coffee, and was just enjoying the quiet when my Babylove woke up. Since then I have: sang the Veggie Tales theme song 89 times, made a race track with masking tape on my living room rug, washed all the sheets and put them back on the beds, done three loads of laundry and put them away, dumped a large bag of dry pinto beans in the dry bathtub and played with dump trucks and buckets, cooked lunch, chased my child around and stuck fish sticks and carrots in his mouth, cleaned up lunch, crawled into a twin size bed with my two-year-old to attempt to get him to take a nap but ended up dozing myself for 45 minutes and he never went to sleep, took a shower while said two-year-old demolished my bathroom, cleaned up my bathroom, convinced my child he does not NEED to watch Blue's Clues again, changed 2 dirty diapers and 4 wet ones, vacuumed the house while Jackson screamed saying it was too loud, began packing for a 5-day road trip coming up this week, put together a puzzle 3 times, kissed 23 boo-boos and made them all better, and did some dishes. 

It's only 2:50 p.m.

Kudos to the mommas that stay home EVERY day and have more than one child to chase and love and clean up after without losing sanity. Kudos to the mommas who work full-time and must cram all of the above into the 2-3 hours after work before the bedtime routine begins. What strong, capable women we are.

Thankful!

Things for which I am thankful: coffee in my favorite mug, the eternal promises of God, and the sweet face of my happy healthy boy in the morning! Happy Wednesday!

It's Friday night. I worked today and missed my baby boy so much that I rocked him to sleep. That rarely happens around here. As I was sitting there with my sleeping lovey sweating on my shoulder, with praise and worship music playing, I couldn't help but cry. My boy is growing so fast. I am proud of him and he learns new things every day, and he is so smart and handsome and loving.

And then my heart began to ache for my other baby - the one I miscarried about a month ago. After trying since December 2010, months of fertility meds and dozens of negative pregnancy tests, we finally got pregnant - to miscarry at 5 weeks. It was devastating and I don't think I've really processed it, until this week. This was the week we were scheduled for our first ultrasound and official "beginning of pregnancy" doctors visit. And it hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.

I never thought infertility would happen to me. It was something that affected others and sure, it was sad, but I'd never face that.

It is something that has affected me in my deepest, heart of hearts. It makes you feel defective and like there's something you have done wrong. The enemy loves to twist it and use it against you. But you know what else it has done in me? It has forced me to rest on the Lord. I cannot in my own power have another child, Jackson himself is a miracle. I do not know, and may never know, why we have to face this mountain. But I do know that I am blessed. I have an incredibly supportive and caring husband who faces this with me, who holds me when I cry about it, and who doesn't belittle my feelings about it. I have a ridiculously intelligent and hilarious two year old that I love so much, and who melts my heart when he says, "mama I wov woo!" And I now have a precious one in heaven, and that makes heaven just a little bit more sweet.

wilderness

In Exodus, God told the Israelites He was going to deliver them from slavery in Egypt. Can you imagine how excited they were? They were going to be set free from their hardships and oppression. But then the Lord reveals a twist - though He would be with them and WAS going to set them free, Pharoah was going to say "no" several times first. Wait, what?

Lord, I thought you told me this was Your plan. I thought we were gonna leave this slavery business behind and move into that land of milk and honey. What about that plan? 

Sometimes, walking through what God has called us to walk through isn't easy. It doesn't make logical sense, and it certainly isn't fun. We have to wait on Him, and we do not like to be kept waiting in our microwave-oven, instant gratification lives.

And so, after numerous plagues and crazy things to finally change Pharoah's mind (which, side note: God could have changed instantly, anyway, as it says that God hardened his hearts toward the Israelites several times), the Israelites head out. But wait, they're not headed the shortest, quickest route to the promised land. The Lord leads them out into the wilderness. And so begins the grumbling.

The Lord brought us here to take us to the promised land, but all I see is desert. Why would you lead us here, only to starve us, Lord? 

How many times have I asked those same questions?

Lord, we have been so faithful with our tithes and trying to be good stewards; why are we still short on money this month?Lord, I've done everything right; why are we still not hearing Your voice? Lord, I thought You had given me a desire for a family; why are we struggling with infertility? Why don't we have this or that? Why, why, why? 

Then, God provided the manna. They didn't know what it was. It was unlike anything they had ever seen. It was flaky and white and landed on the grass. They didn't have a "balanced meal". It was just simply... manna. It sustained them, even though they didn't have a frame of reference for it. It probably had very little flavor and wasn't very exciting, but it sustained them. They didn't starve.

Think of it from God's side, though. He provided it for them and they didn't have to toil, or labor, or sow or reap, they simply went outside in the mornings and gathered it. It was there, it was filling, it was nutritious, it was just what they needed at the time. I know God does this for us now, too.

And here's what I think. I think that once they reached the land of milk and honey, they might have missed the manna a little bit - the little pieces of heaven that came to them every morning, straight from the Lord. I'm trying to learn what God wants to teach me through this time. I'm trying to pick up my manna every day and absorb the valuable nutrients while I wait for the promised land.

The waiting game

I'm in this in-between time. There's a lot of stuff in the air in my life. I think I know what I want, what my plans are - and then God does something totally different. Waiting is hard to do. I don't have much patience. Wait for the money to pay that bill off. Wait for the baby to go to sleep to clean the house. Wait for Tyler to get home from work to go running or to the grocery store. Wait for the weekend to do major chores around the house. Wait for two weeks to see how my body reacts to the newest hormone I'm taking. Wait to see how me working two consecutive days now works out. I don't like to wait. I wish God would just show up, show me His ultimate plan, and say, "have a nice life." But that doesn't happen. God desires intimate, every day relationship with me. He loves me and has a plan for me, but chooses to reveal it to me one step at a time. I think that if I had any idea what is ahead for me, I would probably run screaming and never fulfill all that God has laid before me to accomplish. So God had this idea about relationships - how as I seek His face and get to know Him, He will reveal His will for me. I want to revel in the waiting game. I want to trust totally, wholly in my God, that He is bigger than all I can see or imagine and that He is orchestrating my life to fulfill His plans for me. I want to be content where I am, not wishing the days away, not waiting impatiently, but soaking up my life and resting, relaxing, reveling in the waiting game.m

This morning while reading through Matthew in the new journaling Bible (that I highly recommend! It's awesome!) that Tyler got me for Christmas, I came across a passage that I have read literally hundreds of times, but that stood out to me this time:

Therefore, do not be anxious, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. 

Matthew 6:31-34 (ESV)

What a verse for the year of no fear! Our heavenly Father knows our needs. He will, and has, and does provide. 

Several weeks back, before Christmas, Tyler had a major job interview. It lasted for 6 hours. It was for a job that he really, honestly thought was exactly what he wanted to do, what he has gone to school to do. The interview went well, he was so excited about the possibilities. The same day that he got an offer from that position, out of the clear blue he received a phone call with a job offer to be a clinical informaticist for the health care system where he currently works (basically, he got offered his current boss' job). It is so incredible to see how God directs our steps in our careers! He had this job offer for a nurse management position, and also the job offer for clinical informaticist. It was like God was saying, this one is good, but this one is better for you. Tyler took the clinical informaticist job for a lot less stress, a lot higher up the 'food chain', and a decent pay increase. No on call, no 'stuck-in-surgery' calls, no worrying about patient care or staff schedules. And I have never seen my husband so excited about anything in our marriage! He is so much more relaxed and stress-free than when he had a nurse management position in the past. God is so faithful to lead us ever closer to our dreams of me being able to stay home full-time and Tyler being in an administrative position. Our heavenly Father KNOWS our needs. Better than we do. We would have jumped up and down over the nurse management position - but God knew we needed something a little different in our lives. And He provided! 

He is so good to us. We don't deserve it. We didn't do anything to earn it. We continuously mess up and try to take our own path and do things that do not bring honor to Him. But He loves us still. And because He loves us, He pours out blessings on our lives, and we are humbled.