Honesty

It's been a few weeks since I have posted anything. It's been a weird time in my life lately.

Some of you may know that we have been trying for baby number two for a while now, and haven't been successful thus far. My whole life, I have had a desire and longing in my heart for a large family - preferably a rough and tumble family of boys. In my best-laid plans, we live in the country, have a lot of land for said boys to run and play and build forts and have campouts and generally live happily ever after. Jackson came along and we were well on our way to my dream life. However, we have been trying to have another child for a year now, and haven't been able to get pregnant this time. It's been a struggle for me to trust that God has a plan here lately. Long story short, we are embarking this month on the beginning of the fertility options journey. It has been discouraging at best to get told that conservative treatments are not working and we must take a step further. Last Christmas when we decided we were ready to expand our family again, I envisioned being big and pregnant by this Christmas. Not happening, but you know what? Even through this, my God will be faithful. His word promises that He will be faithful to complete the things He is doing in me. I know that He places those desires in my heart (and my husband's) for a purpose. I know He has a reason and a plan, and that He works in His own time. There is a specific reason that I am not yet pregnant, and while He may reveal that to me sometime, I may never know why.

Sometimes it's just hard to let go of the remote control to my life and give it over to God.

Meanwhile, I have had a new perspective of my time with my sweet, precious son. He is learning new things every day and is the most intelligent child I have ever been around - I'm his mom and all, but seriously proud of that little guy! Every step down this path of infertility assures me that Jackson's life is truly a miracle. He was a gift from God when I least expected
him and I stand amazed every day!

-all I know is the bleeding in my heart, and the healing in Your touch; all I know is that You gave everything, so let that be enough. - Matt Wertz