Mommin'

Here I am again. It seems like every few weeks I live through a cycle of exhaustion and defeat. My youngest is 10.5 months old and refuses to sleep. He hasn't slept through the night since he was born. And neither have I.

With my oldest, around 9 months old I discovered "sleep training", let him cry it out once and he was sleeping 12 hours in literally one day. When my second came along, I went in armed with my sleep training knowledge thinking, "I got this!" Wrong. She would cry for HOURS and never give it up. My third is taking after his sister. He gets mad and throws fits and refuses to nap, cries and never quite cries it "out", and still wakes up at least twice and sometimes four times between his "bedtime" and 6 am. My pediatrician (whom I do like a lot and think he's hilarious) told me at his 9 month check up," oh you can drop that middle of the night feeding, it's totally not necessary." Funny guy,  he is. He's not here listening to the sound of my fortitude cracking at 1 am (and 3 am and 5 am).

I have my third clogged milk duct in a month. I don't even know why, when I'm wearing the same nursing bra I have this entire 10 months, and I'm obviously not cutting out feedings really because he still ends up nursing at random times of the day and night. Overrrrrr it.

My six year old is crying saying that this is the "worst day ever" because I let him play Xbox for an hour but won't let him play any more (and by the by, I didn't even attempt school with him today!). He's also become recently hypochondriac and is constantly asking me whether his "symptoms" (of itchy back, eye crusties upon waking or one toenail being longer than the others) are normal. All. Day. Long.   My three year old has had three potty accidents today, two of which involved "fancy" towels in the guest bathroom. She also slapped the baby without provocation then told me that he was destroying her (invisible) starship.

I can't remember the last time I went shopping alone for clothes for myself  (wait, I do. It was in the spring, of last year. About 9 months ago) I own exactly zero pairs of jeans that fit correctly and all my underwear has been through at least two pregnancies so they're not exactly the most supportive. Last night I used baby wash to shave my legs because that's all I could find in my own bathroom. My poor husband has eaten cereal for dinner more times lately than when I was pregnant and couldn't handle the smells of cooking dinner. The laundry is never ending and the dishes are in a constant state of gross. 99.8% of the floor has some sort of unknown sticky stick on them.

The next time someone asks me what three kids feels like, I'm gonna refer them right here.

Who's fighting for your marriage? 

We've been married almost nine years now, and most of our marriage has been lovely. We love each other, we like each other, we want to spend time together. But marriage - as anyone who's been married longer than a day knows - isn't always roses and candlelight. Babies come and you don't sleep and jobs are stressful and money is tight and life is hectic. Even the most compatible, God-breathed marriages go through stressful times. Dare I say, the enemy goes after those marriages even harder because you're trying to glorify God and walk out marriage as He intended. Marriage is the center of God's design for families, and we need to place the emphasis on it as much as He has. 

I am so thankful to have a tribe of women who fight for my marriage with me. When we have a tough day, when I get frustrated, when things don't go as planned - with one text or one phone call, I am surrounded with life giving words. These are friends who care, who want our marriage to succeed, who refuse to let us get bogged down with day to day life. They know what we are up against: Tyler's late nights at work, sleepless seasons with infants, trying to balance jobs and family life and each other. They know what we are up against,  because they are up against it too. They've walked with me through infertility, job changes, and all the little things that add up to big stressors on your marriage. 

My friend Kate told me - keeps telling me, on every occasion necessary - that she is 100% committed to my marriage succeeding because she was in my wedding as a bridesmaid. She and her husband feel that if they are involved in your wedding, they are responsible as witnesses to do everything possible to help you uphold your marriage. That thought completely changed my perspective on fighting for marriages. I've adopted her philosophy as well and am trying to be more purposefully involved by praying for the marriages of those I've witnessed. I count it an honor and privilege to stand in the gap for my friends' marriages. 

So I ask again, when your marriage goes through the harder times that it invariably will, WHO is fighting for your marriage? Who's got your back? Who encourages, prays, speaks life to you? Who points you back to Christ at the center of your relationship? If you don't have these people around you, FIND SOME. Make it a priority. Start by praying for the marriages of people you are close to, and I promise God will bring you a handful of armor-bearers to fight for your marriage. 

This has been a whirlwind of a week. July 2015 was the most incredibly tough month, and now August 2016 is shaping up to be a roller coaster as well. 

We got an offer on our house and went under contract this week, as well as had an offer accepted on the house we are going to buy. We were only given 17 days from contract to move out, and that has started a chain reaction that is quite like knocking over a house of cards and then attempting to label which card went where. We are 100% sure that God is leading these steps, as it slowly taking a very different shape than we imagined - but in such a good way! 

We've started boxing up our house, and with every box I feel that I am putting up pieces of my heart. When we bought this house, we were young fairly-newlyweds with very little money and no furniture to speak of. We were coming from a 450-sqft apartment, so it felt huge. We fell in love with this house the moment we peeked into the empty windows, and took pictures of every little thing. I still have our "pros" and "cons" list from when we were deciding if it was the right house for us. Just days after we moved in, we found out we were expecting our first baby. From this house, we have commuted to Ft. Smith, Russellville, Morrilton, Little Rock and North Little Rock, and been through countless job changes as the Lord has slowly shifted us to allow me to stay home full time. Tyler started and finished his masters here, we brought all three of our babies home from the hospital here, grieved for a miscarried baby here, celebrated our big kids first birthdays and first Christmases here. Tyler and I have each lived at this house longer than either of us lived anywhere else in our lives.  

I know that a house does not a home make, but these walls have sheltered us from life's storms and greeted us on days when the world seemed against us. The kids have stood in the window watching for their daddy every night for years now. The front door has had many friends and family pass through. Our backyard has been a fort, a castle, a soccer field and a bouncy house. These floors that Tyler laid piece by piece, on his hands and knees for me, have watched my babies learn to crawl and then walk. The garage has seen many projects and indoor play times on rainy days. The closet in the master bedroom has heard countless tearful and whispered prayers. The kitchen counters have held kids and flour while we baked Christmas treats and birthday cakes and cinnamon rolls. Our living room has been a racetrack, a train track, a lava pit and a pool; we've pulled in lawn chairs to hold people for our annual couples' fantasy football draft or kids' birthdays. 

It, quite frankly, breaks my heart that my kids most likely will not remember this house - but I will. I will cherish our memories here deep in my heart and remember when my sweetheart bought me my little dream house, then wipe up my tears, pack some more boxes, and look forward expectantly to the next adventure that God is orchestrating. 

I normally don't write about politics or current events - I like to stick with things happening in my own life, Disney planning, and the like. However, this recent Target boycott has gotten me thinking and I just have to write down my thoughts on this issue. First off, let me say, it disturbs me on a very basic level that our society has come to the place that this is even an issue. I'm a woman, who frequently has children with me many places I go. I always choose the family restroom (Target is famous for having a family restroom in most of their stores) if it's a possibility, and if not, I keep my kids with me in the biggest stall available. I don't think men should be allowed in women's restrooms or vice versa. But that is not the issue at stake here. 

I am not going to boycott Target. I like Target. I have a red card, and it's right by my house. I buy a lot of things there and will continue to do so. Why am I not joining the boycott? 

Because I don't think it's what Jesus would have done. In the Bible, Jesus didn't run away from the people who didn't agree with Him. He didn't pout when things didn't go quite His way. He didn't slander people's (companies) reputations and stand on the street corner warning His followers to avoid doing business with them at all cost.  That's not how He operated at all. I don't think I've ever talked to a single soul who said "yeah, I wasn't a Christian until I heard about Christians boycotting Starbucks/Disney/Target and thought, man, they have it right! So I decided to become a Christian." --- nope, no one is ever going to do that. Because those actions aren't graceful and Christlike. Why do we Christians go around expecting the world to act like anything other than the world? Society at large is never going to agree with us as Christians - that's why we are called to walk in truth and light in a world of ever increasing darkness. 

We as Christians, I think, need to be a lot less concerned with where we are shopping and a lot more concerned with making sure people are clothed, fed, and loved in our own community. I don't care if you buy food for the homeless shelter at Target or Wal-Mart or Kroger. The question needs to be, ARE WE feeding people? Are we telling people in the world who are lost and hurting and have never experienced the grace and mercy of a loving God, "hey! You! You are loved, you are precious, and you were made in the image of God. You have a purpose and a hope if you will only accept that hope from Christ." Are we spreading Christ's aroma throughout this world, or are we becoming stale and a little stinky? 

I definitely don't agree with Target's stance on this, but there are many things on a daily basis I don't agree with in this world. In fact, I think my little family and I generally swim the direct opposite way of the current of social norms right now. And that is alright. I don't go around yelling about people who make different choices than I do. God loves each of us the same -and we are all sinners in need of a Savior.

 Every. Single. Soul. On. Earth. Needs Jesus. Needs hope. Would be destined for eternity in hell without accepting Christ as Lord. 

And it's our call as Christians to spread that hope - not to spread animosity and bitterness and ugliness like a group of middle schoolers! So instead of boycotting Target, I'm gonna keep shopping there, praying as I go in that God grants me opportunities to love on His other children who are shopping or working there, too. 

Bible Study Fellowship

This time last year I was struggling with feeling isolated. As a part time stay at home mom, part time working mom, with a husband working unpredictable hours, I was finding it hard to attend our church's weekly nighttime women's Bible study because they didn't provide childcare and my husband was rarely home in time for me to go. I posted on Facebook asking for suggestions of any daytime studies that provided child care, or MOPS groups, or really anywhere to go and be around other people because I felt like that was what I was "supposed to be doing." Several of my sweet friends suggested Bible Study Fellowship, so I contacted the person listed on their website and the next month went to a registration week. I was impressed from the moment I walked in, but I was quickly overwhelmed when they told me I would be on a 4-6 month waiting list. I sort of thought, well, that must not be where we need to be, and never thought about it again. In January I got a phone call on a Monday that let me know I had been placed and could bring my kids and attend that Wednesday! I had completely forgotten about it, and contemplated not going.  It was just inconvenient and honestly, the bottom line is - I am an introvert. I occasionally get panic attacks when I have to interact with new people - especially in large groups. I love God and His word but it is very hard for me to open up in situations with more than 1-2 people there. Sometimes it's actually physically difficult for me to speak to new people, or even people I know in large groups. Small talk doesn't come easily to me and I'm not one of those women who love to sit and gab and have loud giggly conversations. But I felt like God was whispering to me, just go. Go. So I thought, I will go and try and meet some new friends and maybe make some play dates, force myself to do something I am scared of doing.

So I went. It was hard. Being up and out the door by 8:30 with both my kids was (is!) a feat in itself. I almost turned around twice. And every week after that, I would have to pump myself up to get up and get dressed and go. But God was gracious and He placed me in a group with a couple of ladies I already knew. I worked hard to simply get enough courage to answer at least one question every discussion group. Every week the enemy tried to get me stay home, whispered my insecurities in my ear again, used anything possible against my attempts at going.

You know what didn't happen? I didn't make any new friends. I would come home and my husband would ask, "did you meet any one new? Did you make any new friends?" And I would reply that I really hadn't. I couldn't even tell you the names of some of the women in my group, though I prayed for them daily and listened to their answers weekly. I got a little discouraged when I started realizing that my purposes weren't being fulfilled.

You know what did happen? My kids and I got to know Christ on a new and deeper level. My son began asking me questions, deep questions about the Lord, and he gave his heart to Jesus the first week we attended! He would ask to go over the lesson again, he could concisely tell me exactly what they learned each week. I couldn't wait to sit down at night and work through my lesson questions each week. I learned things I had never known about God's word, about God's character, and about His plan for me. I realized a few weeks in that going to BSF wasn't about me and my insecurities, it wasn't about making play dates or meeting new people. I was learning and growing in my relationship with Christ in huge ways that connected with my children, and THAT was what mattered for me and my family.

Tomorrow, we start back again. Jackson has asked all week if it was BSF day! He helped pack his bag tonight. Clothes have been laid out, juice cups filled and shoes lined up by the door. I'm still a little nervous about meeting a whole new class of ladies and getting back into the routine, but I know God will meet me where I am. I am excited and anxiously look forward to what God has for us this year as we study Revelation!

Overwhelmed

In the past few months or so, our world has been flipped upside down several times.

My youngest brother was diagnosed with Celiac disease. That's a big deal to a 16 year old. My oldest younger brother and his wife moved from Nashville, TN to Conway to live closer to our family and for my brother to work for my dad. The day of their 6-hour move, my sister-in-law became pre-eclamptic at 32 weeks pregnant and had an emergency c-section (in the middle of our 2-year-old's birthday party and 4th of July fireworks). She spent a week literally fighting for her life and my niece was in the NICU for five weeks. My third brother was admitted the same day to the hospital for four days with a mystery illness which they still have not figured out. Tyler's two brothers proposed to their respective girlfriends within a week of each other, in the middle of the above mentioned whirlwind. And to top it off?  

I found out I was pregnant. 

If you know me at all, you probably know my journey to becoming a mom was easy the first time with Jackson and extremely challenging the second time. It took 17 months of trying to conceive, 6 rounds of Clomid, 2 months of acupuncture, and a whole lot of tears before Miss Paisley was in our arms. It was a lonely and desperate time for me spiritually and emotionally, and I wasn't signing up for that again any time soon. 

We had wrapped our minds and hearts around the fact that our family was most likely complete with our two children. I didn't feel like God was leading us down the fertility path again, and while we would welcome another baby if He gave us one, truthfully we never in our wildest dreams expected that. We felt complete and whole as a family. 

It's funny how things feel and seem different in reality than you picture them in your mind. I will be the first to say this: I was overwhelmed at first. This wasn't what we had planned; this is not inside my comfort zone; I thought the pregnant bellies and maternity clothes and oh yeah, NOT sleeping was behind me. I spent several days just pouring out these crazy emotions to God. I was so thankful, but at the same time I was thinking "are you really sure, God?!" It took a lot of tears and definitely several days before I heard the Lord whisper, "are you done yet?" 

He led me to Isaiah 43:19, which says: 

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.

He is so faithful. He is so true. My heart of hearts had always been to have babies and love them. It tore my heart in two when I struggled with fertility. And here I was, two short years later, telling God that wow, this just wasn't what I had planned. How selfish and small and humiliating. He has performed a literal miracle, right here in the middle of my everyday ordinary life, and I was worried about my maternity clothes and how this was going to affect our financial situation. 

I am telling you today, my God is so much bigger than our finances, or our material possessions, or our circumstances. He loves to show out in ways that there can be no shadow of a doubt that HE IS LORD. He has never let us go hungry or without shelter. He has always provided for us as a family in the exact way we need, even when we didn't know what we needed. I trust Him because I know Him, and I know He will guide us along paths we have not known. He goes before us, He knows the end from the beginning and I am only getting a small glimpse of His purpose in my life. I'm not saying that I don't have moments where I still feel overwhelmed because I do. I am still not sure what the future looks like (except I will have three babies?!) but I am so thankful to have an Abba Father who does. 

In my life

This morning on the way to work, a favorite song of mine came on my Pandora radio. The lyrics always get to my heart: "In my life, be lifted high. In my world, be lifted high. In my love, be lifted high." 

As I drove and prayed and meditated on those words, I questioned myself - is my life lifting Jesus high? There have been numerous situations lately in which I have had the opportunity to give God glory for my marriage, my kids, my job. Did I? Have I missed more opportunities because I was self absorbed and not listening to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit? Am I constantly pointing back to Him with every breath?

The short answer is, unfortunately, no. I fail on an hourly basis. I mess up. I get frustrated with my kids. I snap at my husband. I let my job eat at my patience. We are all human and all fall short of the glory of Christ. 

In this season of motherhood, I am so thankful that God gives special grace to mamas with littles. I toss SOS prayers up like frantic cries for help - "protect my kids!," "help me make it to nap time!" "give me energy!" Somehow God knows my heart more intimately than He needs to hear my words and He gives me unexpected and undeserved grace through this time.  

His mercies are new every morning - and every hour - and every breath. May I give Him the glory for every good thing in my life.