That mom

I've been that mom. I've been the mom who was shocked by the results of the pregnancy test because I never dreamed I could even get pregnant without medical intervention. I've been the mom who battled morning sickness and fatigue while working full-time. I've been the mom who drove 90 miles an hour down the interstate because my water broke and I didn't even realize I was in labor. I've been the mom who wanted to breast feed desperately but could never sync up with my child and I've been the mom who chose formula because it was the best choice for our entire family after weeks of struggle.  I've been the mom who cried every day leaving my child to go to work.  I've been the mom to pray, beg, cry, rock, bounce a baby who refuses to sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time. I've been the mom who gives up and lets my child cry it out, with surprising results of 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I've been the mom who lets my child eat peanut butter before they're 3 and routinely lets him eat slushes from Sonic. I've also been the mom to freak out about organic produce, only cook "whole foods". I've been the mom who made choices about my career for the good of my children - to stay home most of the time so they don't go to day care or preschool. I've been the mom to make choices for my kids against popular opinion, and have to stand up for those choices and why I made them.  I've been the mom with PCOS who desperately wants to have another child, who spent 18 months trying to conceive another sweet baby. I've been the mom who underwent painful tests, weekly lab work, crazy amounts of exams, months on metformin and clomid, acupuncture several times a week, with negative pregnancy tests month after month. I've been the mom who miscarried a baby in the middle of that process - a mom who has a sweet one in heaven waiting for me to hug her. I've been the mom who grieved for my unborn, unmet child while rocking my older son. Ive been the mom whose cry God answered and who joyfully woke my husband, sobbing and laughing at the same time, at 3:00 am because I got a faint positive on a pregnancy test.    I've been the mom who, exhausted from the day-to-day of being pregnant, lets my 3 year old watch 3 curious George episodes in a row while I nap. Ive been the mom in "false" labor at the hospital every other week. And now, I'm the mom of two beautiful babies, sleep deprived and sore from breast feeding successfully this time, and emotionally crazy. 

No matter which mom you are currently.... God has and will continue to provide exactly the grace that we need to be the mom he has called us to be today! 

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

-Lamentations 3:22-23

One year

One year ago today, I woke up in a hotel in Nashville with my husband and son. Me and Jackson went to get breakfast downstairs, and when I came back up, I just felt like something wasn't right. I had found out I was pregnant after a year of trying the week before. We hasn't really told anyone yet, because it was still so early. As I climbed in the shower, I realized something was VERY wrong. I called my OB/GYN's on call line, spoke with them, and then started gathering stuff to head home early. I think I knew at that moment I was miscarrying. We left Jackson with my parents who were there , too, and Tyler and I drove the 6 hours home. I cried most of the way home. Once we got home and it was apparent that yes, this was a miscarriage, I spent the rest of the day & the next day on the couch crying. I didn't understand why after all this time, I would lose the baby when I finally got pregnant. It was a very difficult time for me, and I still don't know the "whys" that I asked of God at that time. I became a little bitter as others around me continued to find out they were pregnant and go on to have healthy pregnancies. As the year progressed, I was making little progress on getting pregnant again and was extremely discouraged. In September, I decided I would try acupuncture because several friends had gone with successful results. I hesitantly made the appointment and met this tiny Chinese lady who told me she could make me ovulate. At this point, I was placing it all in God's hands. If He wanted to use this technique to create a life, who was I to stop Him? Each acupuncture session, I would lie on the table with dozens of needles stuck in my body, crying out to God for 45 minutes in the dark. Was acupuncture a magic cure? No. Was it a way that God used to get my attention, to get me to set aside 45 minutes numerous times a week to be in the still quiet with Him? I think so, yes. After one month of acupuncture, we found out we were pregnant again. This time, my hormone levels looked perfect. Each day at the beginning, I had to purposefully choose that I was going to trust God and His plan, because I was scared to death that I would lose this baby, too. It has been 6 months now... And I have a precious baby girl kicking me right now as I write this, reminding me of my God's faithfulness. This pregnancy has been blessedly uneventful, progressing perfectly, and I am so excited to meet my sweet little girl in just a few months! We decided to name her Paisley Jane. Jane is a family name which means "Jehovah has been gracious," and He has been more than gracious to us!