Reflections on 2012

2012 has been a crazy, busy, happy, interesting year on so many levels. If you're my facebook friend, you've seen all these pictures, I'm sorry to repeat! But I sit here on New Year's Eve reflecting on what a blessed year this has been for us, and felt like I needed to document it a little better!

January continued our secondary infertility journey. I don't like to color the whole year with that brush, but starting in January, the big guns of true fertility medications came out. It was a scary, unknown time in my personal walk with the Lord and little did I know how long it would last and how much it would change me! Of course, we also had to watch a little football!

February saw my sweet little man turn two years old. We had a Thomas the Train birthday party, and on his actual birthday we took him to All Aboard in Little Rock for dinner. He loved it and it was a sweet time for us! After dinner and some shopping, poor guy was worn out! Precious little guy - time truly does fly and I can't believe his third birthday is only a few weeks away! He has grown up so much this year!

 March was an interesting month! We found out we were pregnant mid-March. At the end of March, my (then)future-sister-in-law had her senior recital in Nashville at Belmont University, so we made the trip over! This was our first time meeting her family and Jackson couldn't handle all the excitement! :) Anna-Catherine has a beautiful voice and it was lovely seeing how she and my brother complement each other in so many ways, including musically. While we were in Nashville, I began having a miscarriage, which was devastating to both me and Tyler. We had not really told any of our family yet, so we had to explain to everyone who was there, which was particularly difficult.

April, I'm sure I was simply trying to cope with my disappointment and heartache over losing my pregnancy, and finish up Tyler's MHA program. It's kind of a haze.

May - the beginning of the summer of road trips! My brother Brennan graduated from Belmont University the same weekend that my brother-in-law graduated from UCA. This meant divide and conquer: I went to Nashville with my family, while Tyler and Jackson stayed in Conway for his brother's graduation. We had a great time in Nashville & I enjoyed staying in a hotel suite with just the 6 members of my immediate family! So proud of my brother and how he truly follows God's call on his life, and watched his heart-dreams unfold.

June started with another road trip - this time 16 hours to Athens, Ohio with my in-laws, where Tyler was graduating from Ohio University. After two long years (basically the entire time Jackson had been alive), taking a full-time course load while also working full-time, many late nights after Jackson had gone to bed and spending every weekend completing projects, it was such a proud moment when he walked across the stage! Tyler handled the whole program with such grace and confidence, always putting our family first, being a wonderful dad and provider, while still managing to pull off the equivalent of 16-18 hours a semester. This was a MAJOR milestone for me & Tyler in our marriage and family, and I am so glad to say it's behind us! It's changed our family life drastically to have Tyler free on weekends & nights!

July was a chilled-out month, thankfully. We needed a little R&R at the pool and spent some quality time with friends, just enjoying all things summer.

August! 6 hour road trip back to Nashville for my brother's wedding! Such a crazy experience to see your little brother all grown up and embarking on the journey that is marriage. We spent the weekend of course, and it was such a precious time for me because I got to spend some quality time with my brother and also his new wife. We also had a lot of fun with my family after the ceremony once the lovebirds left on their honeymoon!

In September, we loaded up for another 16-hour road trip, this time for a much-needed family vacation to Disney World in Orlando, Florida! This was a decision made over the summer, maybe in July, so we did it on a budget. We spent 6 nights at Disney World. Many people discuss whether or not it's worth it to take a 2-3 year old since they "probably won't remember it." Our trip proved every one of them wrong! Jackson had the time of his LIFE while he was there, and I'm telling you, we talk about it EVERY SINGLE DAY since! He asks when we are going back all the time! I grew up going just about every year until I was 17, but this was Tyler's first time (and obviously Jackson's). It was just as magical and exciting as I remembered it from growing up! Maybe even more so, seeing it through a 2.5 year old's eyes. We made some great memories and want this to be an annual thing for our family, as well. I can't adequately convey how special this trip was for us! 

October started the new normal in some ways - our road trips were over, Tyler's school was done with, but his work schedule was gearing up for a big project that would be going up in November, so his hours started getting crazy and Jackson and I were left to entertain ourselves quite a bit! We had some fun doing pumpkin patch and the normal fall things. October also brought some unexpected changes to my job, as census dropped off and since I am PRN there, I was unable to come in to work. About the same time this happened, we found out (after five rounds of Clomid *six is the limit* and adding acupuncture!) that we were pregnant again! Praise God for His timing, though I was suddenly without a job and now adding another member to the family... He always provides! I think He likes to  show me that HE is in control, that HE is the one providing for us, because sometimes I get wrapped up in my own little world here and forget. 

November and December - more of the same! For me, battling morning sickness and fatigue (for which I am extremely grateful as it means the pregnancy is going well!). For Tyler, working 80-100 hours per week throughout November and December. He was working nights through Thanksgiving and we did not get to spend any time with his family, who live out of town. My family came down here for Thanksgiving. We loved having my brother & sister in law stay with us a couple different weekends in November! Christmas, of course, was a lot of fun and we celebrated for several days in a row! Then, on Christmas Day, it started snowing... and we got 11 inches at our house! There hasn't been a white Christmas in Arkansas in 80-something years, so this was a BIG deal! We had a great time playing in it, but now I'm ready for the rest of it to melt outta our yard and let's have it be June already - I need some sunshine!

It has been a great year full of happy moments and some heartache as well. We are blessed beyond measure, and the one thing that is constant in our lives is the fact that the Lord our God is faithful to us. He provides, guides, and gently shepherds our hearts. I have been blessed with a husband who loves me, serves our family, and is a wonderful father. I have a sweet, intelligent boy who amazes me every day with his personality and tender heart. I am truly thankful for the precious babe in my womb, who is growing every day. I am getting to treasure and soak up these moments of being pregnant, and the moments I have with Jackson before the new little one is born. God has shaped me this year, as a wife, a mother, and a daughter of the King, and I hope I am ending the year more pleasing to Him than I began. I look forward expectantly to the things He will do in 2013!

Support

I know it's been a while since I've blogged. Life gets hectic and something's gotta give.

I'm back on fertility meds. This is my second round since I miscarried in March. It just feels like, same song second verse, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. I'm cranky and moody and will probably bite your head off. I'm sorry, I really am.

Some days I am a rock-star: I get up, read my Bible, do my household chores, play with Jackson, cook an incredible dinner, and squeeze in a workout. Some days, I'm still in my pajamas when Tyler comes home and I've been crying all day.

My husband, though - what a strong support he is for me. He graciously and calmly placates and soothes me when my hormones win the temper battle. He holds me when I cry (which can be over the Olympics or a Hallmark commercial). He never judges me, never takes a sharp tone with me, and never stops believing with me. He is my partner in this struggle, and I am so thankful that God has given him to me as a help mate and friend. Our journey may not be turning out how either of us imagined it, but he never acts disappointed or upset - he just goes with the flow and accepts what God has for us. He is certainly not perfect, and neither is our marriage, but it is far better because of his patient spirit with me. I am blessed beyond measure to get to love and serve with him.

Ode to the mommas

I work two days a week, and stay home the rest of the week. I always get questions about what exactly I do the rest of the week, as if there's not enough to do to fill up my entire day. I get lots of jabs and "must be SO hard to only work 2 days a week"s. Today I got cancelled at work. Here's what's gone down so far:

I got up at 6 with Tyler, made a pot of coffee, ironed some clothes for him to wear, and made him lunch. I spent a few minutes alone with the Lord, drank some coffee, and was just enjoying the quiet when my Babylove woke up. Since then I have: sang the Veggie Tales theme song 89 times, made a race track with masking tape on my living room rug, washed all the sheets and put them back on the beds, done three loads of laundry and put them away, dumped a large bag of dry pinto beans in the dry bathtub and played with dump trucks and buckets, cooked lunch, chased my child around and stuck fish sticks and carrots in his mouth, cleaned up lunch, crawled into a twin size bed with my two-year-old to attempt to get him to take a nap but ended up dozing myself for 45 minutes and he never went to sleep, took a shower while said two-year-old demolished my bathroom, cleaned up my bathroom, convinced my child he does not NEED to watch Blue's Clues again, changed 2 dirty diapers and 4 wet ones, vacuumed the house while Jackson screamed saying it was too loud, began packing for a 5-day road trip coming up this week, put together a puzzle 3 times, kissed 23 boo-boos and made them all better, and did some dishes. 

It's only 2:50 p.m.

Kudos to the mommas that stay home EVERY day and have more than one child to chase and love and clean up after without losing sanity. Kudos to the mommas who work full-time and must cram all of the above into the 2-3 hours after work before the bedtime routine begins. What strong, capable women we are.

Thankful!

Things for which I am thankful: coffee in my favorite mug, the eternal promises of God, and the sweet face of my happy healthy boy in the morning! Happy Wednesday!

It's Friday night. I worked today and missed my baby boy so much that I rocked him to sleep. That rarely happens around here. As I was sitting there with my sleeping lovey sweating on my shoulder, with praise and worship music playing, I couldn't help but cry. My boy is growing so fast. I am proud of him and he learns new things every day, and he is so smart and handsome and loving.

And then my heart began to ache for my other baby - the one I miscarried about a month ago. After trying since December 2010, months of fertility meds and dozens of negative pregnancy tests, we finally got pregnant - to miscarry at 5 weeks. It was devastating and I don't think I've really processed it, until this week. This was the week we were scheduled for our first ultrasound and official "beginning of pregnancy" doctors visit. And it hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.

I never thought infertility would happen to me. It was something that affected others and sure, it was sad, but I'd never face that.

It is something that has affected me in my deepest, heart of hearts. It makes you feel defective and like there's something you have done wrong. The enemy loves to twist it and use it against you. But you know what else it has done in me? It has forced me to rest on the Lord. I cannot in my own power have another child, Jackson himself is a miracle. I do not know, and may never know, why we have to face this mountain. But I do know that I am blessed. I have an incredibly supportive and caring husband who faces this with me, who holds me when I cry about it, and who doesn't belittle my feelings about it. I have a ridiculously intelligent and hilarious two year old that I love so much, and who melts my heart when he says, "mama I wov woo!" And I now have a precious one in heaven, and that makes heaven just a little bit more sweet.

wilderness

In Exodus, God told the Israelites He was going to deliver them from slavery in Egypt. Can you imagine how excited they were? They were going to be set free from their hardships and oppression. But then the Lord reveals a twist - though He would be with them and WAS going to set them free, Pharoah was going to say "no" several times first. Wait, what?

Lord, I thought you told me this was Your plan. I thought we were gonna leave this slavery business behind and move into that land of milk and honey. What about that plan? 

Sometimes, walking through what God has called us to walk through isn't easy. It doesn't make logical sense, and it certainly isn't fun. We have to wait on Him, and we do not like to be kept waiting in our microwave-oven, instant gratification lives.

And so, after numerous plagues and crazy things to finally change Pharoah's mind (which, side note: God could have changed instantly, anyway, as it says that God hardened his hearts toward the Israelites several times), the Israelites head out. But wait, they're not headed the shortest, quickest route to the promised land. The Lord leads them out into the wilderness. And so begins the grumbling.

The Lord brought us here to take us to the promised land, but all I see is desert. Why would you lead us here, only to starve us, Lord? 

How many times have I asked those same questions?

Lord, we have been so faithful with our tithes and trying to be good stewards; why are we still short on money this month?Lord, I've done everything right; why are we still not hearing Your voice? Lord, I thought You had given me a desire for a family; why are we struggling with infertility? Why don't we have this or that? Why, why, why? 

Then, God provided the manna. They didn't know what it was. It was unlike anything they had ever seen. It was flaky and white and landed on the grass. They didn't have a "balanced meal". It was just simply... manna. It sustained them, even though they didn't have a frame of reference for it. It probably had very little flavor and wasn't very exciting, but it sustained them. They didn't starve.

Think of it from God's side, though. He provided it for them and they didn't have to toil, or labor, or sow or reap, they simply went outside in the mornings and gathered it. It was there, it was filling, it was nutritious, it was just what they needed at the time. I know God does this for us now, too.

And here's what I think. I think that once they reached the land of milk and honey, they might have missed the manna a little bit - the little pieces of heaven that came to them every morning, straight from the Lord. I'm trying to learn what God wants to teach me through this time. I'm trying to pick up my manna every day and absorb the valuable nutrients while I wait for the promised land.

The waiting game

I'm in this in-between time. There's a lot of stuff in the air in my life. I think I know what I want, what my plans are - and then God does something totally different. Waiting is hard to do. I don't have much patience. Wait for the money to pay that bill off. Wait for the baby to go to sleep to clean the house. Wait for Tyler to get home from work to go running or to the grocery store. Wait for the weekend to do major chores around the house. Wait for two weeks to see how my body reacts to the newest hormone I'm taking. Wait to see how me working two consecutive days now works out. I don't like to wait. I wish God would just show up, show me His ultimate plan, and say, "have a nice life." But that doesn't happen. God desires intimate, every day relationship with me. He loves me and has a plan for me, but chooses to reveal it to me one step at a time. I think that if I had any idea what is ahead for me, I would probably run screaming and never fulfill all that God has laid before me to accomplish. So God had this idea about relationships - how as I seek His face and get to know Him, He will reveal His will for me. I want to revel in the waiting game. I want to trust totally, wholly in my God, that He is bigger than all I can see or imagine and that He is orchestrating my life to fulfill His plans for me. I want to be content where I am, not wishing the days away, not waiting impatiently, but soaking up my life and resting, relaxing, reveling in the waiting game.m

This morning while reading through Matthew in the new journaling Bible (that I highly recommend! It's awesome!) that Tyler got me for Christmas, I came across a passage that I have read literally hundreds of times, but that stood out to me this time:

Therefore, do not be anxious, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. 

Matthew 6:31-34 (ESV)

What a verse for the year of no fear! Our heavenly Father knows our needs. He will, and has, and does provide. 

Several weeks back, before Christmas, Tyler had a major job interview. It lasted for 6 hours. It was for a job that he really, honestly thought was exactly what he wanted to do, what he has gone to school to do. The interview went well, he was so excited about the possibilities. The same day that he got an offer from that position, out of the clear blue he received a phone call with a job offer to be a clinical informaticist for the health care system where he currently works (basically, he got offered his current boss' job). It is so incredible to see how God directs our steps in our careers! He had this job offer for a nurse management position, and also the job offer for clinical informaticist. It was like God was saying, this one is good, but this one is better for you. Tyler took the clinical informaticist job for a lot less stress, a lot higher up the 'food chain', and a decent pay increase. No on call, no 'stuck-in-surgery' calls, no worrying about patient care or staff schedules. And I have never seen my husband so excited about anything in our marriage! He is so much more relaxed and stress-free than when he had a nurse management position in the past. God is so faithful to lead us ever closer to our dreams of me being able to stay home full-time and Tyler being in an administrative position. Our heavenly Father KNOWS our needs. Better than we do. We would have jumped up and down over the nurse management position - but God knew we needed something a little different in our lives. And He provided! 

He is so good to us. We don't deserve it. We didn't do anything to earn it. We continuously mess up and try to take our own path and do things that do not bring honor to Him. But He loves us still. And because He loves us, He pours out blessings on our lives, and we are humbled. 

the year of no fear

Today is the first day since the new year that I have been able to sit in front of the computer. I've been thinking about what I wanted to share with you here and have finally put some words to my thoughts.

I have been trying to focus on what I wanted the upcoming year to look like. When I am 80 and look back at my life, for what do I want 2012 to stand out?

I was browsing Ann Voskamp's blog yesterday and came across her new year's post. She wrote of how she likes to give each year a name, a theme. She considered "The year of no fear" for 2012 but chose something different (read her blog, you'll be encouraged and challenged!). But I kind of like that, "the year of no fear." I feel like that is what God is speaking over me this January.

No fear of health problems.
No fear of financial concerns.
No fear of family relationships.
No fear of failure.

When Tyler and I started dating, both of us had been burned in the past and wanted to pursue our relationship only if it was the right one. A scripture that God laid on my heart during that time was 1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. 

That is the verse I want to wrap myself in this year. Perfect love. God's unfailing, unchanging perfect love. Feelings of inadequacy, regret, and failure must flee in the light of God's perfect love. Fear of the future must flee. 

What would you do if there was no fear? If money was not an issue? If you pursued your biggest passion? If failure was not an option? 

Why don't we do those things this year? I want to love more deeply everyone that God has placed in my life, and express that love to them. I want to spend more time building forts and playing trains than cleaning bathrooms. I want to bury myself in God's word and let it take root in my soul. I want to be the wife my husband needs me to be - the one he doesn't even know he needs me to be. I want to make some incredible lifelong memories with my little family. 

What do you want to do?