Bible Study Fellowship

This time last year I was struggling with feeling isolated. As a part time stay at home mom, part time working mom, with a husband working unpredictable hours, I was finding it hard to attend our church's weekly nighttime women's Bible study because they didn't provide childcare and my husband was rarely home in time for me to go. I posted on Facebook asking for suggestions of any daytime studies that provided child care, or MOPS groups, or really anywhere to go and be around other people because I felt like that was what I was "supposed to be doing." Several of my sweet friends suggested Bible Study Fellowship, so I contacted the person listed on their website and the next month went to a registration week. I was impressed from the moment I walked in, but I was quickly overwhelmed when they told me I would be on a 4-6 month waiting list. I sort of thought, well, that must not be where we need to be, and never thought about it again. In January I got a phone call on a Monday that let me know I had been placed and could bring my kids and attend that Wednesday! I had completely forgotten about it, and contemplated not going.  It was just inconvenient and honestly, the bottom line is - I am an introvert. I occasionally get panic attacks when I have to interact with new people - especially in large groups. I love God and His word but it is very hard for me to open up in situations with more than 1-2 people there. Sometimes it's actually physically difficult for me to speak to new people, or even people I know in large groups. Small talk doesn't come easily to me and I'm not one of those women who love to sit and gab and have loud giggly conversations. But I felt like God was whispering to me, just go. Go. So I thought, I will go and try and meet some new friends and maybe make some play dates, force myself to do something I am scared of doing.

So I went. It was hard. Being up and out the door by 8:30 with both my kids was (is!) a feat in itself. I almost turned around twice. And every week after that, I would have to pump myself up to get up and get dressed and go. But God was gracious and He placed me in a group with a couple of ladies I already knew. I worked hard to simply get enough courage to answer at least one question every discussion group. Every week the enemy tried to get me stay home, whispered my insecurities in my ear again, used anything possible against my attempts at going.

You know what didn't happen? I didn't make any new friends. I would come home and my husband would ask, "did you meet any one new? Did you make any new friends?" And I would reply that I really hadn't. I couldn't even tell you the names of some of the women in my group, though I prayed for them daily and listened to their answers weekly. I got a little discouraged when I started realizing that my purposes weren't being fulfilled.

You know what did happen? My kids and I got to know Christ on a new and deeper level. My son began asking me questions, deep questions about the Lord, and he gave his heart to Jesus the first week we attended! He would ask to go over the lesson again, he could concisely tell me exactly what they learned each week. I couldn't wait to sit down at night and work through my lesson questions each week. I learned things I had never known about God's word, about God's character, and about His plan for me. I realized a few weeks in that going to BSF wasn't about me and my insecurities, it wasn't about making play dates or meeting new people. I was learning and growing in my relationship with Christ in huge ways that connected with my children, and THAT was what mattered for me and my family.

Tomorrow, we start back again. Jackson has asked all week if it was BSF day! He helped pack his bag tonight. Clothes have been laid out, juice cups filled and shoes lined up by the door. I'm still a little nervous about meeting a whole new class of ladies and getting back into the routine, but I know God will meet me where I am. I am excited and anxiously look forward to what God has for us this year as we study Revelation!

Overwhelmed

In the past few months or so, our world has been flipped upside down several times.

My youngest brother was diagnosed with Celiac disease. That's a big deal to a 16 year old. My oldest younger brother and his wife moved from Nashville, TN to Conway to live closer to our family and for my brother to work for my dad. The day of their 6-hour move, my sister-in-law became pre-eclamptic at 32 weeks pregnant and had an emergency c-section (in the middle of our 2-year-old's birthday party and 4th of July fireworks). She spent a week literally fighting for her life and my niece was in the NICU for five weeks. My third brother was admitted the same day to the hospital for four days with a mystery illness which they still have not figured out. Tyler's two brothers proposed to their respective girlfriends within a week of each other, in the middle of the above mentioned whirlwind. And to top it off?  

I found out I was pregnant. 

If you know me at all, you probably know my journey to becoming a mom was easy the first time with Jackson and extremely challenging the second time. It took 17 months of trying to conceive, 6 rounds of Clomid, 2 months of acupuncture, and a whole lot of tears before Miss Paisley was in our arms. It was a lonely and desperate time for me spiritually and emotionally, and I wasn't signing up for that again any time soon. 

We had wrapped our minds and hearts around the fact that our family was most likely complete with our two children. I didn't feel like God was leading us down the fertility path again, and while we would welcome another baby if He gave us one, truthfully we never in our wildest dreams expected that. We felt complete and whole as a family. 

It's funny how things feel and seem different in reality than you picture them in your mind. I will be the first to say this: I was overwhelmed at first. This wasn't what we had planned; this is not inside my comfort zone; I thought the pregnant bellies and maternity clothes and oh yeah, NOT sleeping was behind me. I spent several days just pouring out these crazy emotions to God. I was so thankful, but at the same time I was thinking "are you really sure, God?!" It took a lot of tears and definitely several days before I heard the Lord whisper, "are you done yet?" 

He led me to Isaiah 43:19, which says: 

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.

He is so faithful. He is so true. My heart of hearts had always been to have babies and love them. It tore my heart in two when I struggled with fertility. And here I was, two short years later, telling God that wow, this just wasn't what I had planned. How selfish and small and humiliating. He has performed a literal miracle, right here in the middle of my everyday ordinary life, and I was worried about my maternity clothes and how this was going to affect our financial situation. 

I am telling you today, my God is so much bigger than our finances, or our material possessions, or our circumstances. He loves to show out in ways that there can be no shadow of a doubt that HE IS LORD. He has never let us go hungry or without shelter. He has always provided for us as a family in the exact way we need, even when we didn't know what we needed. I trust Him because I know Him, and I know He will guide us along paths we have not known. He goes before us, He knows the end from the beginning and I am only getting a small glimpse of His purpose in my life. I'm not saying that I don't have moments where I still feel overwhelmed because I do. I am still not sure what the future looks like (except I will have three babies?!) but I am so thankful to have an Abba Father who does. 

In my life

This morning on the way to work, a favorite song of mine came on my Pandora radio. The lyrics always get to my heart: "In my life, be lifted high. In my world, be lifted high. In my love, be lifted high." 

As I drove and prayed and meditated on those words, I questioned myself - is my life lifting Jesus high? There have been numerous situations lately in which I have had the opportunity to give God glory for my marriage, my kids, my job. Did I? Have I missed more opportunities because I was self absorbed and not listening to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit? Am I constantly pointing back to Him with every breath?

The short answer is, unfortunately, no. I fail on an hourly basis. I mess up. I get frustrated with my kids. I snap at my husband. I let my job eat at my patience. We are all human and all fall short of the glory of Christ. 

In this season of motherhood, I am so thankful that God gives special grace to mamas with littles. I toss SOS prayers up like frantic cries for help - "protect my kids!," "help me make it to nap time!" "give me energy!" Somehow God knows my heart more intimately than He needs to hear my words and He gives me unexpected and undeserved grace through this time.  

His mercies are new every morning - and every hour - and every breath. May I give Him the glory for every good thing in my life. 

On the hard days

Today was a hard day. 

We each have those days, when tensions are high and sleep is a luxury, when dinner needs to be made and clothes ironed and a million "mom! I need help!"s are aimed in our direction, when the weight of the world and our family and dear friends lays heavy on our hearts like so many bricks. Those days when we have silent tears streaming and no answers for the questions barraging our minds all day; those are the days I am so thankful for a God who sees me. He sees me now, His word promises - and He saw me then. He saw me when I was broken before Him, that summer ten years ago now. We walked together, He and I, through a dark valley defined by only His grace. The days I spent at His feet pouring out my dreams and desires to Him - He has redeemed them. The moments when I doubted and could not see the way before me, He lavished love and mercy and faithfulness on me. He whispered to my heart "you are Mine." He gently led me directly to a place of acceptance and peace. He opened up heaven and revealed a piece of His heart for my life. At the end of that dark summer, the Lord brought my partner for this life into my path. Here suddenly was this soul who complemented my crazy and together we learned that perfect love casts out all fear; that the two of us together were greater than the two of us apart. A decade of loving, forgiving, laughing, crying, holding, supporting and rejoicing has followed. When we come together each night world-worn and weary, he scoops me into his arms and the smell of his cologne mixes with hospital and that unique smell that is simply my husband. I breathe deeply in the answered prayers, the comfort and love wrought only from a constant sacrifice of our relationship on the Cross. Even on the best days, the love that flows between us has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with Christ.  On the hard days, it is a testament to His faithfulness alone that we are still standing. We both struggle through the days with forces pulling us in opposite directions. We can only give this life to God and give Him the glory for our family. How thankful I am for ten years with this man, who sharpens me and balances me in all the ways God intended for a marriage, for my marriage. On the hard days, like today, I am humbled by His provision in my life.