Honesty

It's been a few weeks since I have posted anything. It's been a weird time in my life lately.

Some of you may know that we have been trying for baby number two for a while now, and haven't been successful thus far. My whole life, I have had a desire and longing in my heart for a large family - preferably a rough and tumble family of boys. In my best-laid plans, we live in the country, have a lot of land for said boys to run and play and build forts and have campouts and generally live happily ever after. Jackson came along and we were well on our way to my dream life. However, we have been trying to have another child for a year now, and haven't been able to get pregnant this time. It's been a struggle for me to trust that God has a plan here lately. Long story short, we are embarking this month on the beginning of the fertility options journey. It has been discouraging at best to get told that conservative treatments are not working and we must take a step further. Last Christmas when we decided we were ready to expand our family again, I envisioned being big and pregnant by this Christmas. Not happening, but you know what? Even through this, my God will be faithful. His word promises that He will be faithful to complete the things He is doing in me. I know that He places those desires in my heart (and my husband's) for a purpose. I know He has a reason and a plan, and that He works in His own time. There is a specific reason that I am not yet pregnant, and while He may reveal that to me sometime, I may never know why.

Sometimes it's just hard to let go of the remote control to my life and give it over to God.

Meanwhile, I have had a new perspective of my time with my sweet, precious son. He is learning new things every day and is the most intelligent child I have ever been around - I'm his mom and all, but seriously proud of that little guy! Every step down this path of infertility assures me that Jackson's life is truly a miracle. He was a gift from God when I least expected
him and I stand amazed every day!

-all I know is the bleeding in my heart, and the healing in Your touch; all I know is that You gave everything, so let that be enough. - Matt Wertz

Livin the dream...

Six years ago today, I met the love of my life at a little retreat in Branson, MO. I blogged previously about it here.

We had talked last night about spending some quality time together tonight. But, life doesn't always work that way, does it? We should know by now.

I had to run errands and drag Jackson all over town(s) today. We also visited my grandmother, who has been in the hospital again for a week. Tyler left work earlier than usual, but got stuck in terrible traffic, turning his 45 minute commute into two hours. On his way home, he called to ask if I would take his brother some medicine because he has had the stomach flu (and Tyler's stuck in said traffic). So I load Jackson up for the millionth time today and drove across town at rush hour with crackers, soup, and gatorade. Tyler finally makes it back to town and stops to pick up Chick-Fil-A while I am still driving home. We gobble dinner down and get Jackson into the bathtub. I hear some grunting going on in the bathtub and look over and yep, you guessed it... poop in the tub. And when I say "poop", I mean diarrhea poop - everywhere! We hose Jackson down in OUR shower and head back to the front bathroom to clean the tub out. Halfway through spraying poop out of the bathtub and trying not to gag in the process, I look over at my handsome husband, who is wrangling a wriggling toddler into his jammies, and he just smiles at me and says, "I love our life." Seriously, not sarcastically.

I'm so glad I'm on this adventure with you, Tyler. I love our life, too.

Shelter

Sometimes it's so hard to "find" time to be with the Lord.

As mommies, it's easy to get caught up in the spilled juice, temper tantrums, laundry piles, screaming children tugging on our pants and crayon marks on the walls. We get through the day with short prayers;

Lord, help me. Lord, not again. Lord, help me to have strength. Lord, help me control my temper.

I believe God has been calling me to a deeper prayer life lately. Something more than those frantic cries for help. I've been so grateful for naptime. It's quiet, restful time for both me & Jackson. And you know what? I've noticed that Jackson's naptimes are getting longer and longer; the Lord blesses that time for me. I may not even open my Bible, but sitting quietly before the Lord, my cup is refilled and I can face the rest of the day with renewed love and patience for my sweet one.

I would encourage and challenge each of you to find opportune times to spend with your first Love.

Naptime. Bathroom time. Early morning before the kids get up. Late at night before bed.

I have also been focusing on Ann Voskamp's SHELTER of prayer. I'm trying to implement each element of SHELTER into my daily life: Short prayers, using Helps, Establishing a place to pray, using Lists, praying Together with my family, Establishing a time to pray, and placing Reminders around me.

God will bless your efforts to know Him more intimately.

August

au-gust

adjective

1. inspiring reverence or admiration; of supreme dignity or grandeur; majestic

2. venerable; eminent

August is always an interesting month in my life. My birthday is in August, so as a little girl I loved August, even though it meant back-to-school and extreme heat. As an adult, it seems like God always pushes me a little bit further in my faith, and consequently shows His majesty in my life, during the month of August. An aptly named month.

August 2008: I graduated from OT school. We were newlyweds and living off love and a little savings, and we were flat up broke eight months in. God really provided for us, and we didn't starve. He led me to an incredible opportunity to work at an outpatient clinic in Russellville. Nervously, I started a new job with new people that turned out to be a great season in my life.

August 2009: I was battling morning sickness and it took all the strength God gave me to get out of bed every day and go to work. God was preparing me for all the days that I am tired and worn out, yet must reach within (and up to Him) to find more to give, give, give to my sweet son.

August 2010: I had a six month old that changed my perspective on working vs. staying home. My mom (my babysitter) moved 2 hours away, and I did not know what to do. God pushed me out of my comfort zone as I turned in my resignation at a job I loved with all my heart to take a job I wasn't crazy about in order to stay home with my sweet one more. Then, God provided for me in a HUGE way on my birthday as He moved my employer's heart to grant me leniency with my resignation date due to my babysitting crisis. I had never been more sure of His love for me than the moment I hung up the phone with my old boss. I will never forget that moment of humility and love.

August 2011: Last week, my grandmother went to the hospital thinking she had the stomach flu. Four days later, she was undergoing open-heart, quadruple bypass surgery with questionable odds of survival. God was SO faithful to heal her and restore her health more than the doctors could ever think or imagine! At the same time, God has opened some major doors in both Tyler's and my career. These changes will mean that our family life is going to be much more flexible, and that we will get to spend much more time together! There are changes coming in my in-law family as well as my maiden family that will mean more time together and less stress on all of us.

He is sovereign, He is just, and He is faithful.

I love Him more each day, each year, each August.

This has been one of the toughest weeks of my life.

My grandmother has been in the hospital in very critical condition, and it took them a long time to determine what was going on with her. She ended up having a CABG open heart surgery yesterday.

Through this, I have really realized what matters most - family.

Family members that I don't get to talk to frequently showed up at the hospital to love on us, hug us, and pray with us. They texted and called, Facebooked and emailed.

How blessed I am to be a part of a large extended family that loves the Lord and puts their hope in Him.

I love my family.

Random Wednesday thoughts

I came across this article on someone's Facebook page, and thought it was worth sharing.

Also - I am getting to spend ALL week with this little cutie because I got cancelled at work. You are jealous, I know! I am BLESSED!

Hope you are having a great Wednesday!

Blessed!

This past weekend we had the privilege of getting to spend a lot of time with a lot of our close friends, culminating in hosting home group at our house last night. The kids were all wet from playing in the blowup pool, the house was full of smoke because something in the oven started burning, and it was a million degrees because it's July in Arkansas. As we all sat down together to eat dinner -some of us sprawled in the living room floor, others standing at the bar in my kitchen, and some crammed onto our couch, kids crawling all over everyone and everything, and watermelon and corn on the cob getting ground into the carpet - I almost audibly heard God speak to my heart, "This is what it's about."

Acceptance. Love. Food. Fellowship. Discipleship. Authenticity.

Raising our kids together, wanting all of God's best for our families. Being real with each other - no facades, no masks, just what-you-see-is-what-you-get. We're all messy and slightly neurotic, but we honestly love spending time together and watching our families grow together.

I praise God for bringing us to this place, this church family, these specific people to walk through life with, raise our children together, go against the status quo with. This time last year, we felt so alone and without a home church. God has been so faithful to connect us with so many families. Now we've got Christmas trips to Branson, birthday parties, and mission trips planned with these folks. We are blessed beyond words.