Thankful!

Things for which I am thankful: coffee in my favorite mug, the eternal promises of God, and the sweet face of my happy healthy boy in the morning! Happy Wednesday!

It's Friday night. I worked today and missed my baby boy so much that I rocked him to sleep. That rarely happens around here. As I was sitting there with my sleeping lovey sweating on my shoulder, with praise and worship music playing, I couldn't help but cry. My boy is growing so fast. I am proud of him and he learns new things every day, and he is so smart and handsome and loving.

And then my heart began to ache for my other baby - the one I miscarried about a month ago. After trying since December 2010, months of fertility meds and dozens of negative pregnancy tests, we finally got pregnant - to miscarry at 5 weeks. It was devastating and I don't think I've really processed it, until this week. This was the week we were scheduled for our first ultrasound and official "beginning of pregnancy" doctors visit. And it hit me like a ton of bricks tonight.

I never thought infertility would happen to me. It was something that affected others and sure, it was sad, but I'd never face that.

It is something that has affected me in my deepest, heart of hearts. It makes you feel defective and like there's something you have done wrong. The enemy loves to twist it and use it against you. But you know what else it has done in me? It has forced me to rest on the Lord. I cannot in my own power have another child, Jackson himself is a miracle. I do not know, and may never know, why we have to face this mountain. But I do know that I am blessed. I have an incredibly supportive and caring husband who faces this with me, who holds me when I cry about it, and who doesn't belittle my feelings about it. I have a ridiculously intelligent and hilarious two year old that I love so much, and who melts my heart when he says, "mama I wov woo!" And I now have a precious one in heaven, and that makes heaven just a little bit more sweet.

wilderness

In Exodus, God told the Israelites He was going to deliver them from slavery in Egypt. Can you imagine how excited they were? They were going to be set free from their hardships and oppression. But then the Lord reveals a twist - though He would be with them and WAS going to set them free, Pharoah was going to say "no" several times first. Wait, what?

Lord, I thought you told me this was Your plan. I thought we were gonna leave this slavery business behind and move into that land of milk and honey. What about that plan? 

Sometimes, walking through what God has called us to walk through isn't easy. It doesn't make logical sense, and it certainly isn't fun. We have to wait on Him, and we do not like to be kept waiting in our microwave-oven, instant gratification lives.

And so, after numerous plagues and crazy things to finally change Pharoah's mind (which, side note: God could have changed instantly, anyway, as it says that God hardened his hearts toward the Israelites several times), the Israelites head out. But wait, they're not headed the shortest, quickest route to the promised land. The Lord leads them out into the wilderness. And so begins the grumbling.

The Lord brought us here to take us to the promised land, but all I see is desert. Why would you lead us here, only to starve us, Lord? 

How many times have I asked those same questions?

Lord, we have been so faithful with our tithes and trying to be good stewards; why are we still short on money this month?Lord, I've done everything right; why are we still not hearing Your voice? Lord, I thought You had given me a desire for a family; why are we struggling with infertility? Why don't we have this or that? Why, why, why? 

Then, God provided the manna. They didn't know what it was. It was unlike anything they had ever seen. It was flaky and white and landed on the grass. They didn't have a "balanced meal". It was just simply... manna. It sustained them, even though they didn't have a frame of reference for it. It probably had very little flavor and wasn't very exciting, but it sustained them. They didn't starve.

Think of it from God's side, though. He provided it for them and they didn't have to toil, or labor, or sow or reap, they simply went outside in the mornings and gathered it. It was there, it was filling, it was nutritious, it was just what they needed at the time. I know God does this for us now, too.

And here's what I think. I think that once they reached the land of milk and honey, they might have missed the manna a little bit - the little pieces of heaven that came to them every morning, straight from the Lord. I'm trying to learn what God wants to teach me through this time. I'm trying to pick up my manna every day and absorb the valuable nutrients while I wait for the promised land.

The waiting game

I'm in this in-between time. There's a lot of stuff in the air in my life. I think I know what I want, what my plans are - and then God does something totally different. Waiting is hard to do. I don't have much patience. Wait for the money to pay that bill off. Wait for the baby to go to sleep to clean the house. Wait for Tyler to get home from work to go running or to the grocery store. Wait for the weekend to do major chores around the house. Wait for two weeks to see how my body reacts to the newest hormone I'm taking. Wait to see how me working two consecutive days now works out. I don't like to wait. I wish God would just show up, show me His ultimate plan, and say, "have a nice life." But that doesn't happen. God desires intimate, every day relationship with me. He loves me and has a plan for me, but chooses to reveal it to me one step at a time. I think that if I had any idea what is ahead for me, I would probably run screaming and never fulfill all that God has laid before me to accomplish. So God had this idea about relationships - how as I seek His face and get to know Him, He will reveal His will for me. I want to revel in the waiting game. I want to trust totally, wholly in my God, that He is bigger than all I can see or imagine and that He is orchestrating my life to fulfill His plans for me. I want to be content where I am, not wishing the days away, not waiting impatiently, but soaking up my life and resting, relaxing, reveling in the waiting game.m

This morning while reading through Matthew in the new journaling Bible (that I highly recommend! It's awesome!) that Tyler got me for Christmas, I came across a passage that I have read literally hundreds of times, but that stood out to me this time:

Therefore, do not be anxious, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore, do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. 

Matthew 6:31-34 (ESV)

What a verse for the year of no fear! Our heavenly Father knows our needs. He will, and has, and does provide. 

Several weeks back, before Christmas, Tyler had a major job interview. It lasted for 6 hours. It was for a job that he really, honestly thought was exactly what he wanted to do, what he has gone to school to do. The interview went well, he was so excited about the possibilities. The same day that he got an offer from that position, out of the clear blue he received a phone call with a job offer to be a clinical informaticist for the health care system where he currently works (basically, he got offered his current boss' job). It is so incredible to see how God directs our steps in our careers! He had this job offer for a nurse management position, and also the job offer for clinical informaticist. It was like God was saying, this one is good, but this one is better for you. Tyler took the clinical informaticist job for a lot less stress, a lot higher up the 'food chain', and a decent pay increase. No on call, no 'stuck-in-surgery' calls, no worrying about patient care or staff schedules. And I have never seen my husband so excited about anything in our marriage! He is so much more relaxed and stress-free than when he had a nurse management position in the past. God is so faithful to lead us ever closer to our dreams of me being able to stay home full-time and Tyler being in an administrative position. Our heavenly Father KNOWS our needs. Better than we do. We would have jumped up and down over the nurse management position - but God knew we needed something a little different in our lives. And He provided! 

He is so good to us. We don't deserve it. We didn't do anything to earn it. We continuously mess up and try to take our own path and do things that do not bring honor to Him. But He loves us still. And because He loves us, He pours out blessings on our lives, and we are humbled. 

the year of no fear

Today is the first day since the new year that I have been able to sit in front of the computer. I've been thinking about what I wanted to share with you here and have finally put some words to my thoughts.

I have been trying to focus on what I wanted the upcoming year to look like. When I am 80 and look back at my life, for what do I want 2012 to stand out?

I was browsing Ann Voskamp's blog yesterday and came across her new year's post. She wrote of how she likes to give each year a name, a theme. She considered "The year of no fear" for 2012 but chose something different (read her blog, you'll be encouraged and challenged!). But I kind of like that, "the year of no fear." I feel like that is what God is speaking over me this January.

No fear of health problems.
No fear of financial concerns.
No fear of family relationships.
No fear of failure.

When Tyler and I started dating, both of us had been burned in the past and wanted to pursue our relationship only if it was the right one. A scripture that God laid on my heart during that time was 1 John 4:18

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear. 

That is the verse I want to wrap myself in this year. Perfect love. God's unfailing, unchanging perfect love. Feelings of inadequacy, regret, and failure must flee in the light of God's perfect love. Fear of the future must flee. 

What would you do if there was no fear? If money was not an issue? If you pursued your biggest passion? If failure was not an option? 

Why don't we do those things this year? I want to love more deeply everyone that God has placed in my life, and express that love to them. I want to spend more time building forts and playing trains than cleaning bathrooms. I want to bury myself in God's word and let it take root in my soul. I want to be the wife my husband needs me to be - the one he doesn't even know he needs me to be. I want to make some incredible lifelong memories with my little family. 

What do you want to do? 

Pages

Tonight I was having a discussion with Tyler about a time in my life that I felt really inadequate. Unhip, uncool, inadequate, not important, and (dare I say?) rejected. It wasn't too long ago. Like, last year. I didn't want to go to church because I felt like I wasn't cool enough, wasn't fashionable enough, wasn't a hipster enough momma. I didn't get my baby weight off as fast as the mom who ran the marathon 4 months after birth of her son. I wasn't working at a cool, trendy rehab facility - I was working at a redneck hospital that didn't have their act together. I wasn't able to stay home and breastfeed my son. I wasn't able to keep up with laundry and housekeeping because I was gone 2 days a week out of town every week. I rarely went on "date nights" with my husband. We didn't drive a brand-new car. We didn't get to go on vacation to some tropical destination.

Maybe the Lord has grown me up in this area over the past year. Maybe plugging into a local church with a body of believers who are "my speed" has helped. Maybe it just comes with being a mommy and the great healer, time.

So what does God's word say about us in this area? Are you ready for this?

Psalm 139:1-18:

You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.


You got that? There are so many jewels that God wants you to catch in this single Psalm.

Even when I don't have it all together, even when I can't exercise every day, even when I don't wash my hair, even when I wear clothes I've had for several years, Even though He knows EVERY single thing about me - my thoughts, my movements, how my body is put together -

He. Loves. Me. Still.

Let me focus on verse 16 for a minute.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

He knows. He knows every single day. He knows every single moment. He has known for all eternity. He has a plan, a purpose. He created me for this time, for this moment, for this purpose, for this body of mine, to be Tyler's wife and Jackson's mommy and my parents' daughter and my brothers' sister. All I have to do is walk in His grace, His strength, and His mercies (which He promises are new every morning) - and live out the pages written for me in this book of my life. In one of my favorite movies, The Holiday, Kate Winslet says, "You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life!" God wrote me in as the leading lady of this script called life, and I intend to go with His flow and follow His direction.