All roads lead to Disney!

I've had a lot of people ask me questions about our upcoming Disney trip, from packing to how to make reservations to what exactly we do while we are there. I decided to chronicle it online this time. Hope you enjoy traveling along with us! 

Today it's packing time! We made reservations last November through Magical Vacations Travel. We were able to get a great deal on a deluxe resort stay, and we have patiently been counting down the days and paying a little each month to have it paid for in advance. It seems like we just started our 100-day countdown and now it's the day after tomorrow! I have to work tomorrow all day, so today is the big packing day! 

We are driving from Arkansas all the way to Lake Buena Vista, FL. For us that means 16 hours in the car, one-way. With a 4 year old and a 13 (almost 14) month old. That thought alone has me questioning my own sanity! Truly though, Tyler and I love to travel by car. I am too much of a control freak to let others (ahem, the airline) control my travel plans so I would much rather listen to music, drink Icees and talk to my hubs while we drive. The vacation begins the moment we leave the driveway. On road trips with the babes, he's the driver and I'm the circus ringleader, doling out food, changing movies, and making silly faces to keep everyone happy. 

So.... On to packing! Here's what's happening here today: 

Pack & play for Princess, my awesome new cooler bag I scored at Sam's for $9, and a bunch of blankets & sheets for the kiddos. 

Food. If there's one thing my crew needs, it's snacks! I try to be decently healthy with them, but hey, it's vacation and it's ok if we eat some junk along the way. Much cheaper and probably still healthier than picking up junk the whole way there (and after). 

The kids' stuff. Obviously clothes, shoes, undies, lots of glow sticks, and a ton of car ride stuff. It probably deserves it's own post and will give me something to do in the car. :) 

Can you tell they're ready? 

Working on our clothes & stuff currently. Otherwise, the car is clean, the mail is on hold, and all I gotta do is get through one day of work tomorrow before we can take off and vacate reality for a bit! 

And just to be real with you...... Here's the crazy. 

Mary and Martha

People demand a lot of me. I say that not to imply I'm super important or anything, but other stay at home moms - and I'm guessing those moms who work outside the home, too - will know EXACTLY how I feel. I can't even pry my eyes open in the mornings before someone is asking something of me. "Mom! I'm hungry and thirsty and I might DIE if I don't watch Daniel Tiger right now!" from my four year old. "Honey, do you think I could ask you to iron me a shirt? And is there anything in the fridge for my lunch?" from my husband as he tries to get out the door to provide for our family day in and day out. "Waaaaaaaaah!" from the baby who wants to be held, has a poopy diaper, and wants desperately to nurse - even though I nursed her three times between midnight and now! Stumble to the kitchen, think, "where are my glasses?" and start some coffee blindly cause heaven knows I'm gonna need a few cups. Start prioritizing everyone else's needs... Get my hubby out the door, feed the screaming toddler, then sit down to feed the baby. Just meeting these demands usually takes me until 9 am before I can breathe deeply and assess the piles of dishes, laundry baskets overflowing, and a to do list taped to the fridge. I know that Jesus said, come to Me all you who are weary and I will give you rest. Sometimes I think it would be incredible if that rest was in the physical world. My spirit finds rest and my soul breathes thankfulness, but my body is tired. I realize this is the third load of dishes today - and there's ONLY FOUR of us! I know, I know. "The days are long but the years are short." I've heard it from older women. I've lived it when I see my sweet baby brothers start driving or my big 4 year old playing t ball. I spent 2 years praying and believing for the preciousness that's trying to rip my shirt off to nurse this morning. It goes by so quickly and it hurts my heart and if I think about it I will cry, but at the same time, sister, am I exhausted. I know other moms are too. We need REST. Peace. A purpose to the monotony of daily life. I cherish those rare moments that I can pick up the Bible and read three verses. I cry over the Jesus Storybook Bible as I read it to my kids, because a lot of days, it's the only devotional time I can squeeze in without someone yelling "mom!" In my direction. Today, I encourage you to sit and rest. If you find yourself with naptime on your hands, ignore the housework. Close your eyes and lay before The Lord. "You are the God who sees".... And He sees us, sisters.... He sees US and our failings and our tears and our messy floors. We aren't the first and we won't be the last generation of mothers struggling through this sacred calling, but we are battling it out in ever-increasing "busyness." Let Him bear your burdens today. Be a Mary in a world of Marthas. 

That mom

I've been that mom. I've been the mom who was shocked by the results of the pregnancy test because I never dreamed I could even get pregnant without medical intervention. I've been the mom who battled morning sickness and fatigue while working full-time. I've been the mom who drove 90 miles an hour down the interstate because my water broke and I didn't even realize I was in labor. I've been the mom who wanted to breast feed desperately but could never sync up with my child and I've been the mom who chose formula because it was the best choice for our entire family after weeks of struggle.  I've been the mom who cried every day leaving my child to go to work.  I've been the mom to pray, beg, cry, rock, bounce a baby who refuses to sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time. I've been the mom who gives up and lets my child cry it out, with surprising results of 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I've been the mom who lets my child eat peanut butter before they're 3 and routinely lets him eat slushes from Sonic. I've also been the mom to freak out about organic produce, only cook "whole foods". I've been the mom who made choices about my career for the good of my children - to stay home most of the time so they don't go to day care or preschool. I've been the mom to make choices for my kids against popular opinion, and have to stand up for those choices and why I made them.  I've been the mom with PCOS who desperately wants to have another child, who spent 18 months trying to conceive another sweet baby. I've been the mom who underwent painful tests, weekly lab work, crazy amounts of exams, months on metformin and clomid, acupuncture several times a week, with negative pregnancy tests month after month. I've been the mom who miscarried a baby in the middle of that process - a mom who has a sweet one in heaven waiting for me to hug her. I've been the mom who grieved for my unborn, unmet child while rocking my older son. Ive been the mom whose cry God answered and who joyfully woke my husband, sobbing and laughing at the same time, at 3:00 am because I got a faint positive on a pregnancy test.    I've been the mom who, exhausted from the day-to-day of being pregnant, lets my 3 year old watch 3 curious George episodes in a row while I nap. Ive been the mom in "false" labor at the hospital every other week. And now, I'm the mom of two beautiful babies, sleep deprived and sore from breast feeding successfully this time, and emotionally crazy. 

No matter which mom you are currently.... God has and will continue to provide exactly the grace that we need to be the mom he has called us to be today! 

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

-Lamentations 3:22-23

One year

One year ago today, I woke up in a hotel in Nashville with my husband and son. Me and Jackson went to get breakfast downstairs, and when I came back up, I just felt like something wasn't right. I had found out I was pregnant after a year of trying the week before. We hasn't really told anyone yet, because it was still so early. As I climbed in the shower, I realized something was VERY wrong. I called my OB/GYN's on call line, spoke with them, and then started gathering stuff to head home early. I think I knew at that moment I was miscarrying. We left Jackson with my parents who were there , too, and Tyler and I drove the 6 hours home. I cried most of the way home. Once we got home and it was apparent that yes, this was a miscarriage, I spent the rest of the day & the next day on the couch crying. I didn't understand why after all this time, I would lose the baby when I finally got pregnant. It was a very difficult time for me, and I still don't know the "whys" that I asked of God at that time. I became a little bitter as others around me continued to find out they were pregnant and go on to have healthy pregnancies. As the year progressed, I was making little progress on getting pregnant again and was extremely discouraged. In September, I decided I would try acupuncture because several friends had gone with successful results. I hesitantly made the appointment and met this tiny Chinese lady who told me she could make me ovulate. At this point, I was placing it all in God's hands. If He wanted to use this technique to create a life, who was I to stop Him? Each acupuncture session, I would lie on the table with dozens of needles stuck in my body, crying out to God for 45 minutes in the dark. Was acupuncture a magic cure? No. Was it a way that God used to get my attention, to get me to set aside 45 minutes numerous times a week to be in the still quiet with Him? I think so, yes. After one month of acupuncture, we found out we were pregnant again. This time, my hormone levels looked perfect. Each day at the beginning, I had to purposefully choose that I was going to trust God and His plan, because I was scared to death that I would lose this baby, too. It has been 6 months now... And I have a precious baby girl kicking me right now as I write this, reminding me of my God's faithfulness. This pregnancy has been blessedly uneventful, progressing perfectly, and I am so excited to meet my sweet little girl in just a few months! We decided to name her Paisley Jane. Jane is a family name which means "Jehovah has been gracious," and He has been more than gracious to us!

Reflections on 2012

2012 has been a crazy, busy, happy, interesting year on so many levels. If you're my facebook friend, you've seen all these pictures, I'm sorry to repeat! But I sit here on New Year's Eve reflecting on what a blessed year this has been for us, and felt like I needed to document it a little better!

January continued our secondary infertility journey. I don't like to color the whole year with that brush, but starting in January, the big guns of true fertility medications came out. It was a scary, unknown time in my personal walk with the Lord and little did I know how long it would last and how much it would change me! Of course, we also had to watch a little football!

February saw my sweet little man turn two years old. We had a Thomas the Train birthday party, and on his actual birthday we took him to All Aboard in Little Rock for dinner. He loved it and it was a sweet time for us! After dinner and some shopping, poor guy was worn out! Precious little guy - time truly does fly and I can't believe his third birthday is only a few weeks away! He has grown up so much this year!

 March was an interesting month! We found out we were pregnant mid-March. At the end of March, my (then)future-sister-in-law had her senior recital in Nashville at Belmont University, so we made the trip over! This was our first time meeting her family and Jackson couldn't handle all the excitement! :) Anna-Catherine has a beautiful voice and it was lovely seeing how she and my brother complement each other in so many ways, including musically. While we were in Nashville, I began having a miscarriage, which was devastating to both me and Tyler. We had not really told any of our family yet, so we had to explain to everyone who was there, which was particularly difficult.

April, I'm sure I was simply trying to cope with my disappointment and heartache over losing my pregnancy, and finish up Tyler's MHA program. It's kind of a haze.

May - the beginning of the summer of road trips! My brother Brennan graduated from Belmont University the same weekend that my brother-in-law graduated from UCA. This meant divide and conquer: I went to Nashville with my family, while Tyler and Jackson stayed in Conway for his brother's graduation. We had a great time in Nashville & I enjoyed staying in a hotel suite with just the 6 members of my immediate family! So proud of my brother and how he truly follows God's call on his life, and watched his heart-dreams unfold.

June started with another road trip - this time 16 hours to Athens, Ohio with my in-laws, where Tyler was graduating from Ohio University. After two long years (basically the entire time Jackson had been alive), taking a full-time course load while also working full-time, many late nights after Jackson had gone to bed and spending every weekend completing projects, it was such a proud moment when he walked across the stage! Tyler handled the whole program with such grace and confidence, always putting our family first, being a wonderful dad and provider, while still managing to pull off the equivalent of 16-18 hours a semester. This was a MAJOR milestone for me & Tyler in our marriage and family, and I am so glad to say it's behind us! It's changed our family life drastically to have Tyler free on weekends & nights!

July was a chilled-out month, thankfully. We needed a little R&R at the pool and spent some quality time with friends, just enjoying all things summer.

August! 6 hour road trip back to Nashville for my brother's wedding! Such a crazy experience to see your little brother all grown up and embarking on the journey that is marriage. We spent the weekend of course, and it was such a precious time for me because I got to spend some quality time with my brother and also his new wife. We also had a lot of fun with my family after the ceremony once the lovebirds left on their honeymoon!

In September, we loaded up for another 16-hour road trip, this time for a much-needed family vacation to Disney World in Orlando, Florida! This was a decision made over the summer, maybe in July, so we did it on a budget. We spent 6 nights at Disney World. Many people discuss whether or not it's worth it to take a 2-3 year old since they "probably won't remember it." Our trip proved every one of them wrong! Jackson had the time of his LIFE while he was there, and I'm telling you, we talk about it EVERY SINGLE DAY since! He asks when we are going back all the time! I grew up going just about every year until I was 17, but this was Tyler's first time (and obviously Jackson's). It was just as magical and exciting as I remembered it from growing up! Maybe even more so, seeing it through a 2.5 year old's eyes. We made some great memories and want this to be an annual thing for our family, as well. I can't adequately convey how special this trip was for us! 

October started the new normal in some ways - our road trips were over, Tyler's school was done with, but his work schedule was gearing up for a big project that would be going up in November, so his hours started getting crazy and Jackson and I were left to entertain ourselves quite a bit! We had some fun doing pumpkin patch and the normal fall things. October also brought some unexpected changes to my job, as census dropped off and since I am PRN there, I was unable to come in to work. About the same time this happened, we found out (after five rounds of Clomid *six is the limit* and adding acupuncture!) that we were pregnant again! Praise God for His timing, though I was suddenly without a job and now adding another member to the family... He always provides! I think He likes to  show me that HE is in control, that HE is the one providing for us, because sometimes I get wrapped up in my own little world here and forget. 

November and December - more of the same! For me, battling morning sickness and fatigue (for which I am extremely grateful as it means the pregnancy is going well!). For Tyler, working 80-100 hours per week throughout November and December. He was working nights through Thanksgiving and we did not get to spend any time with his family, who live out of town. My family came down here for Thanksgiving. We loved having my brother & sister in law stay with us a couple different weekends in November! Christmas, of course, was a lot of fun and we celebrated for several days in a row! Then, on Christmas Day, it started snowing... and we got 11 inches at our house! There hasn't been a white Christmas in Arkansas in 80-something years, so this was a BIG deal! We had a great time playing in it, but now I'm ready for the rest of it to melt outta our yard and let's have it be June already - I need some sunshine!

It has been a great year full of happy moments and some heartache as well. We are blessed beyond measure, and the one thing that is constant in our lives is the fact that the Lord our God is faithful to us. He provides, guides, and gently shepherds our hearts. I have been blessed with a husband who loves me, serves our family, and is a wonderful father. I have a sweet, intelligent boy who amazes me every day with his personality and tender heart. I am truly thankful for the precious babe in my womb, who is growing every day. I am getting to treasure and soak up these moments of being pregnant, and the moments I have with Jackson before the new little one is born. God has shaped me this year, as a wife, a mother, and a daughter of the King, and I hope I am ending the year more pleasing to Him than I began. I look forward expectantly to the things He will do in 2013!

Support

I know it's been a while since I've blogged. Life gets hectic and something's gotta give.

I'm back on fertility meds. This is my second round since I miscarried in March. It just feels like, same song second verse, a little bit louder and a little bit worse. I'm cranky and moody and will probably bite your head off. I'm sorry, I really am.

Some days I am a rock-star: I get up, read my Bible, do my household chores, play with Jackson, cook an incredible dinner, and squeeze in a workout. Some days, I'm still in my pajamas when Tyler comes home and I've been crying all day.

My husband, though - what a strong support he is for me. He graciously and calmly placates and soothes me when my hormones win the temper battle. He holds me when I cry (which can be over the Olympics or a Hallmark commercial). He never judges me, never takes a sharp tone with me, and never stops believing with me. He is my partner in this struggle, and I am so thankful that God has given him to me as a help mate and friend. Our journey may not be turning out how either of us imagined it, but he never acts disappointed or upset - he just goes with the flow and accepts what God has for us. He is certainly not perfect, and neither is our marriage, but it is far better because of his patient spirit with me. I am blessed beyond measure to get to love and serve with him.

Ode to the mommas

I work two days a week, and stay home the rest of the week. I always get questions about what exactly I do the rest of the week, as if there's not enough to do to fill up my entire day. I get lots of jabs and "must be SO hard to only work 2 days a week"s. Today I got cancelled at work. Here's what's gone down so far:

I got up at 6 with Tyler, made a pot of coffee, ironed some clothes for him to wear, and made him lunch. I spent a few minutes alone with the Lord, drank some coffee, and was just enjoying the quiet when my Babylove woke up. Since then I have: sang the Veggie Tales theme song 89 times, made a race track with masking tape on my living room rug, washed all the sheets and put them back on the beds, done three loads of laundry and put them away, dumped a large bag of dry pinto beans in the dry bathtub and played with dump trucks and buckets, cooked lunch, chased my child around and stuck fish sticks and carrots in his mouth, cleaned up lunch, crawled into a twin size bed with my two-year-old to attempt to get him to take a nap but ended up dozing myself for 45 minutes and he never went to sleep, took a shower while said two-year-old demolished my bathroom, cleaned up my bathroom, convinced my child he does not NEED to watch Blue's Clues again, changed 2 dirty diapers and 4 wet ones, vacuumed the house while Jackson screamed saying it was too loud, began packing for a 5-day road trip coming up this week, put together a puzzle 3 times, kissed 23 boo-boos and made them all better, and did some dishes. 

It's only 2:50 p.m.

Kudos to the mommas that stay home EVERY day and have more than one child to chase and love and clean up after without losing sanity. Kudos to the mommas who work full-time and must cram all of the above into the 2-3 hours after work before the bedtime routine begins. What strong, capable women we are.